Can Open Relationships Work? What Gay Couples Need to Know

So you think you want an open relationship

At some point in almost every long-term gay relationship, the question comes up: Should we open things up?

Sometimes it happens over brunch, when one of you casually mentions that you ran into a very attractive friend at Barry’s Bootcamp, and the other doesn’t seem remotely threatened. Sometimes it happens when you’re three gin and tonics in at Round-Up and your boyfriend is making that face at some guy in leather shorts. And sometimes, it happens in a moment of sheer honesty—when you both admit that monogamy, while lovely in theory, is starting to feel a little like wearing a turtleneck in July.

Whatever the case, here you are. Staring down the idea of an open relationship.

Can it work? Absolutely.
Will it be easy? Hell no.

But if you’re thinking about giving it a try, here are some things to consider before jumping on Grindr with an “ethically non-monogamous” bio.

Why Do You Want This? (No, Really.)

People open relationships for all kinds of reasons. Some are looking to add excitement. Some have mismatched libidos. Some just really enjoy the adventure of it all. And then there are the couples who think that if they just invite another guy in, they’ll stop resenting each other for whose turn it is to unload the dishwasher.

(Spoiler: That last group is going to have a bad time.)

If you’re doing this to fix something broken, don’t. No amount of threesomes will repair a relationship that’s already crumbling. On the other hand, if you’re doing it because you both genuinely want to explore, then by all means—bring on the hot strangers.

Jealousy: The Uninvited Third in Your Relationship

We all love to think we’ll be totally fine watching our boyfriend get railed by some guy he met at the gym. (“I want you to be happy, babe! Have fun!”)

And then reality sets in.

Jealousy is a messy, sneaky thing. It doesn’t care how evolved you think you are. You will have a moment—maybe in the shower, maybe at 2 AM, maybe while folding his laundry—when you suddenly think, What if he likes this guy better? What if I’m just the guy who pays half the rent and remembers when his mom’s birthday is?

This is normal. It does not mean you aren’t cut out for non-monogamy. It just means you need to talk about it.

Which brings us to…

The Rules (Because This Will Be a Disaster Without Them)

Boundaries are the difference between a successful open relationship and an emotional house fire. Some questions to discuss:

• What’s allowed? (Hookups only? Regular play partners? Full-on polyamory?)
• Where does it happen? (Not in the bed you share, unless you really enjoy fighting.)
• Do we tell each other everything? (Some people want details. Some really don’t.)
• What about exes? Friends? That guy from work? (Pro tip: If you’re arguing about it now, it’s a no.)
• Can rules change? (Yes. But changing them mid-threesome is generally discouraged.)

Dealing with Society (Because People Will Have Opinions)

No matter how happy you are, someone will disapprove. Maybe it’s your heteronormative friends who can’t imagine loving someone and letting them sleep with other people. Maybe it’s your family (“Why can’t you just settle down with one nice man like your cousin Jake?”). Maybe it’s that one monogamous gay couple who treat their relationship like a superior moral achievement.

Smile. Nod. Keep living your best life.

The truth is, monogamy works for some people, and non-monogamy works for others. Your relationship is valid whether you’re in bed every night at 9 PM with your husband watching The Golden Girls or getting tag-teamed by two Brazilians you met on vacation.

(Just, you know, get tested regularly either way.)

Final Thoughts: Will This Work?

It depends. If both of you are on the same page, if your communication is solid, and if your relationship is already good (not perfect, but good), then yes—an open relationship can absolutely thrive.

If you’re hoping this will save your relationship? Well. You might want to spend a little less time on Scruff and a little more time in couples therapy.

In the end, the best relationships—monogamous, open, or somewhere in between—are the ones that make you happy. And if that means an occasional hall pass, then great. Just be safe, be honest, and for the love of God, don’t bring home someone who doesn’t know how to leave when it’s time.

Now go forth. And if you need me, I’ll be over here, watching my married friends nervously re-download Grindr.