Not Just a HookUp: When you start wanting brunch too

It happened to my friend Paul the other night. We were sitting around at karaoke at the gay bar, a few drinks in, singing off-key to some pop anthem, when he turned to me and said something I never thought I’d hear from him. Paul—who, for as long as I’ve known him, has been a self-proclaimed hookup Jedi—sighed and said, “I think I want someone to stick around for brunch.”

I nearly dropped my drink.

For the past ten years, Paul has thrived in the world of casual encounters. He’s had stories that could fill a novel—some hilarious, some steamy, some that made me question his sense of self-preservation. And yet, in that moment, he was talking about something different. Not just sex, not just the thrill of the new, but the quiet consistency of companionship.

I see this shift in my clients, too. It doesn’t happen to everyone, and it certainly doesn’t happen at any one particular age. I’ve known men in their 20s who wake up one day and realize they want something more, and I’ve known men in their 60s who are still enjoying the freedom of keeping things casual. But when it happens—when that shift occurs—it can be disorienting. How do you go from mastering the art of the perfect exit to wanting to be someone’s reason to stay?

It’s not that hookups are inherently unfulfilling. They can be joyous, thrilling, and deeply affirming. They can be their own kind of communion. But for some, the thrill wears thin, or at least shifts into something else. A desire not just for touch, but for tenderness. Not just sex, but significance.

And yet, the question remains: How do you transition? How do you take a life that has been built on the currency of fleeting encounters and move it into something more enduring?

The transition from hookups to relationships is much like any other shift in life—it requires intention. It’s about allowing oneself to be seen, not just desired. It’s about recognizing that connection is more than just chemistry; it’s built through time, trust, and shared experience.

Therapy, of course, can help. Not because there is anything wrong with enjoying hookups, but because vulnerability, communication, and emotional connection are skills—ones that may not have been exercised in the same way when the goal was simply a night and not a future. Many men I work with find themselves wrestling with how to express desire for more without feeling needy, or how to move past the script of casual encounters into one where deeper emotions are not only expressed but reciprocated.

The shift doesn’t happen overnight. It takes practice. Maybe it starts with staying for breakfast. Maybe it means texting for no reason other than to say, “Hey, I enjoyed that.” Maybe it’s about being intentional in conversations, in asking what someone is looking for, in allowing oneself to be open to the possibility of more.

Some will decide they are happiest where they are, and that’s okay too. But for those who find themselves longing for something beyond the quick fix of pleasure, there is a path forward. It’s about learning how to build something that lasts, how to open yourself to consistency, and how to trust that intimacy can exist outside the rush of the new. It’s about finding out what you truly want—and giving yourself permission to pursue it.