What you are Not Changing, You are Choosing

There’s a quote that’s been circling around in my mind lately: “What you are not changing, you are choosing.” It’s a powerful little statement. At first glance, it might seem almost too simple, like something you’d see on a magnet or a throw pillow. But this is one of those phrases that lodges itself in your head, demanding that you turn it over and look at it from every angle, until it finally starts to make sense—really make sense.

I remember a time when this hit home for me. It was a season in my life that felt heavy, as if the days themselves were bogged down by something unseen. I’d been in the same town, in the same apartment, doing the same things day in and day out. Friends would invite me out, and I’d give them a polite “Maybe next time,” until “next time” became “never” and the calls eventually stopped coming. I kept telling myself I was just a “homebody,” convincing myself it was what I preferred.

The truth was, I’d become comfortable. Too comfortable. But I didn’t see it that way at the time. I thought, This is my life, and I’ve built it this way on purpose. But was it really a choice if I hadn’t even taken a good look at what I was building? Was it really intentional, or was I just letting life happen?

One weekend, a close friend, someone who knew me better than anyone, invited me to spend the weekend at their place out in the country. I gave my usual line—”Maybe next time”—and they replied, “You know, there might not be a next time.” I laughed it off, but the words stayed with me. The reality of it started to creep in. What if there wouldn’t always be a “next time”?

So, for once, I took a leap. I drove out to the countryside, telling myself it was just a quick getaway, but I knew, deep down, I was hoping it might spark something. And it did.

That weekend, sitting around the bonfire under a sky packed with stars, my friend said something that cut straight to the heart of things. “It seems like you’ve just been… waiting,” he said. “But what are you waiting for?”

At first, I bristled, defensive. I thought of all the reasons I’d chosen the life I was living. But as I stared into the fire and felt the chill of the evening settle in, I realized I wasn’t waiting for anything. I was waiting instead of doing anything. I hadn’t been making choices at all; I’d been settling into a rut, avoiding the difficult work of deciding what I wanted.

That’s when the quote hit me like a gust of cold air: What you are not changing, you are choosing.

Maybe it was easier to keep saying “maybe next time” than to admit that I was lonely. Maybe it felt safer to keep things as they were rather than risk something new. But easy and safe had turned into stagnant, and it was only then that I could see it.

Returning home after that weekend, I made a choice. I started saying “yes” more often—yes to new experiences, yes to things that pushed me a little out of my comfort zone, yes to putting myself out there in ways I hadn’t dared to before. It wasn’t all at once, and it wasn’t easy. But slowly, that small shift changed everything. I’d stopped choosing comfort and started choosing possibility. And that changed my life.

In counseling, I often see clients struggling with the same thing. They feel stuck, but don’t see how they’re choosing the very things that make them feel that way. They want something to change but don’t realize they’re holding the power to make it happen. This is where that quote can be a wake-up call, a reminder that when we don’t change the things that weigh us down, we’re choosing to keep carrying them.

The beauty is, we all have the power to choose again. To make different choices, to say yes to what challenges us, to take responsibility for the life we’re building. It’s hard, yes—but so is staying in one place when we know, deep down, that there’s more out there for us.

So, if you find yourself feeling weighed down or stuck, ask yourself: What am I choosing by not changing? Because the answer might be just the thing you need to take that first, brave step toward something new.